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yikes [Aug. 28th, 2006|10:38 am]
Random rambles of me
[mood |gloomygloomy]

Well...back to the original idea of this blog. The purpose for this blog was my self help therapy to get over him. After two months of total happiness (or what I thought was), I am back to that initial idea.

I've said it once, I'll say it probably another ten times, love is a motherfucker. It can be taken away from you just as fast as it reappeared. I am not angry. I am not bitter. I do not think of this as a mistake either. I deserve someone who isn't afraid of being my boyfriend. Who isn't afraid to tell the world that I am his, and that he wants no one else. This is what I deserve. And this is what I will get.

I won't say that this is easier this third time around. Its actually probably the worst. Why? Because I let this person back in. I allowed this to happen to me again. I blame no one but myself...even after all the people that truly cared about me, all around me, told me "ehhhhh...I don't know about this..." They were right. As Melisa said, they didn't want to be right, they just wanted me to be happy. And I was. I loved the person I was, when I was with him. That is the shittastic part about this love and relationship, I can not be bitter at him because I was happy.

For those of you who do know me, you will know that I detest James Blunt more than anything in this world. Seriously. But I asked Sarah P what the most depressing sad bastard song of all time was, and this was her pick. Since she's the only one I asked so far, she wins!

Oh and this is the most depressing song in the history of the world, especially with JB's whiney voice.........

Goodbye, My Lover - James Blunt

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.

Bummer James. Love is still a motherfucker. Good thing I have your music and this blog to keep me sane huh?

So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.

Ouch. This is pretty damn accurate. I am here for you if you'd only care. Man that is a good line.

You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.

Well..truth be told, I was ready to change my whole life. Sad to say, but its the truth. If you want the dirty details, I'll share, but most of you knew I was looking at moving out of Rochester...maybe then I could have had a better nickname with the people he worked with...

I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Dear James Blunt - You are killing me as we speak with your lyrics. Love, Libby. I cried yesterday because I would wake up alone. I cried because I wouldn't smell his scent. I cried because I have kissed those lips 1000 times, and yet I won't ever again. Those were the ones I wanted. No others.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

You have been the one for me. I will say that James has it wrong. You can't mix lover and friend. Friends that turn into lovers - ok...but lovers that turn into friends...impossible.

I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be.

I will never forget the times we were happy. Or I was happy and I thought he was. I think he was, I am generally a likeable person. I am fun, goofy, playful, serious, sensual, all around a good time. Memories sure are sweet.

I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.

Yikes...

I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Ugh....

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

Hollow is a good way to describe the feelings I have. I have a knot in my stomach.

I will be fine. Yes I will be fine.
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There's A Wall [Aug. 3rd, 2006|10:09 am]
Random rambles of me
I heard this song today, and had like...an AHA! moment. It's perfect, frankly.
Its 10 a.m. and i've been at work for 3 and 1/2 hours already. Today is special...very very special. When you're okay, yet not okay, you turn to Miranda "the troll (according to Sean Patrick McG) Lambert. She's cool even if she looks like a troll...Anywho...on to the words:
There's A Wall
Miranda Lambert

I'd run away but I can't escape the power of your pride
Your eyes are cold like an empty soul and I'm burning up inside
There's nothing wrong with letting go and you're still diggin' in
We're racing to the bottom and I can't find the end

This reminds me a familiar situation...oh I dunno...LOVE? One is in it, one is not. Last I checked it takes two to make a thing go right....Why is it that two people can feel total polar opposites of eachother? Why? C'mon...tell me.

And there's a wall
Standing here between us
And that's all that's keeping you from freedom
And I keep pushing harder and you keep getting stronger
You won't break cause you're afraid you'll fall
And there a wall

What a beautiful chorus. What truth lies in those lines...There is always a boundary between two people, a boundary that can't be broken down cuz of that damn wall between them. One person keeps trying harder and harder, and the other just gets more detached.

You love me when you want to and you find reasons to fight
Another lame excuse to keep the devil on you side
Trying hard to hide those scars that I've already seen
Your beat up heart's not the only thing that's keeping you from me

Damn Miranda. I wish I would have written that. You love me when you want to could be the story of my life in almost EVERY relationship I've been in. Mine, and probably 3/4 of America's relationships. A broken heart can definitely create a barrier...I know personally I am constantly on the defensive. Its easier to put up the wall, to shut down, rather than talk about how you feel, especially when you know that the other person just might not be that into you. bummer.

And there's a wall
Standing here between us
And that's all that's keeping you from freedom
And I keep pushing harder and you keep getting stronger
You won't break cause you're afraid you'll fall
And there a wall

Pain has made you weak and hard
I will never be as strong,
As strong...
As this wall
Standing here between us
And that's all that's keeping you from freedom
And I keep pushing harder and you keep getting stronger
You won't break cause you're afraid you'll fall
With this wall

Pain does make you weak. It hurts you. It hurts your soul, mind, body, emotions, everything. You're entire being is wounded...and you'll never be as strong. Never.
You won't break cuz you're afraid you'll fall...that's kind of funny...to me, its saying to the other person, you're afraid to let go and open up. You are afraid to fall in love. Love is scary. I think it would be fun to do a study on the effects of love songs on normal people and how they mess with thier heads, and then generally make them crazy. The end.
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We're having a heat wave...a tropical heatwave [Aug. 1st, 2006|10:24 am]
Random rambles of me
[mood |crappycrappy]

Not having the internet sucks. As Avenue Q says...."The internet is really really great (for porn)." Porn aside, I miss checking away messages every minute I'm bored. Which lately has been...oh everytime I'm alone. Anywho...
Today is out of control. First off - Its going to be 100 degrees out. Add the heat index and humidity and I swear I heard they thought it could FEEL like 120. ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY DEGREES PEOPLE. What are we on the fricken SUN?! I am melting at work already. I didn't even do my hair, I am just meltingggggg.

AND I feel like if I was going to have a nervous breakdown about work, today would be it. I am so fricken frustrated. The day started off with me basically rounding on all the referrals I have. Half of these people have mysteriously dissapeared, or probably got dischared, or died. I was like...WTF. So ok...then I go to see this patient, and her nurse, flat out, was a bitch to me.

I say: "ohhh i'm here to see so and so..."
Bitch: "No."
Me: "Um...excuse me?"
Bitch: "No. Not gonna happen."

Well why the fuck not you asshole. Here's the deal. I'm not here to fucking put on a song and dance routine. I'm a god damn therapist. I didn't sit in fucking psychology classes and learn how to counsel people just for shits and giggles? The woman has cancer. She's going to die. She might NEED someone to come and talk to her, and oh, I dunno...PLAY SOME MUSIC for her. I don't tell you No, you can't give someone that shot or what not. I don't think anyone should tell me no, especially someone who has NO idea what I do.

Then it just got worse...and I almost cried in the hallway. Then the nice tech guy who loves me told me that I was awesome, and to keep my chin up. Its up. Way up.

I don't know why I try tho. I can't please anyone. I can't please my boss. My boss's boss. The nurses apparently. The managers. The directors. I am just an overall failure. I can't even please myself here. I feel totally worthless for the most part. All they care about are numbers. Which I understand that they are important, really I do, but I can't take much more of this shit! I need a vacation.


Ok I'm sorry about this rant-fest. Here are the lyrics of the day:

You know it ain't easy
For these thoughts here to leave me
There's no words to describe it
In French or in English

Well, diamonds they fade
And flowers they bloom
And I'm telling you

These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
They've been knockin' me out lately

Whenever you come around me
These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways

I keep thinking in a moment that
Time will take them away
But these feelings won't go away


This song - Sideways by Citizen Cope, was featured on Windfall. I jumped out of bed to find it as soon as I heard it. Its depressing. Its beautiful. It is a beautiful breakup song...one of those songs that you break up, but yet regret it all, and you want more. You yearn for it. You yearn for a person that it knocks you out. Yearn...now that is a wierd word. Wanting someone is a ridiculous feeling. Being wanted is also a crazy feeling. Who doesn't want to be wanted? Desired? Made to feel worthy.

I am a person who constantly strives to make others happy. At home, at said job, in psuedo-relationship, friendships, everywhere. When will someone do that for me?
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What A Difference A Day Makes [Jul. 25th, 2006|01:06 pm]
Random rambles of me
[mood |creativecreative]
[music |Honey Do - Sean Patrick McGraw]

Sometimes you wake up, the sun is shining, and you just smile. Even when things get shit-tay, there is always something to smile about.

I even wore a skirt to work today (whoa), and then on the way into the building, a nice looking guy (in a suit (doctor? drug rep?) smiled at me and said...'hello'. Really I know he wanted to say, "Hey sexy girl - lets go somewhere and get it on" but alas, hello was just as good.

A girl can dream right?

Happy Tuesday.
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(no subject) [Jul. 24th, 2006|01:05 pm]
Random rambles of me
I re-read my last blog, and its funny, it was almost like I was trying to convince myself that I am who I am.

While packing tonight, I came across one of my favorite albums of all time. Essence by Lucinda Williams. Lucinda Williams in a mysterious soul. She is a cross of country-rock-folk-alternative music all rolled into one. The woman is an amazing song writer, She won three grammy's! She is one of those song writers that makes singing about suicide and depression seem so beautiful. She's got some damn good lyrics to prove that too...very crazy somtimes. Her voice isn't this lyrical beautiful thing. Its rough, like a soul that's been kicked around a bit. When I got dumped, I listened to this album a lot following the initial breakup. I felt like this album reached into my heart, ripped it out, beat it up, and then put it back. I had trouble picking out one song to analyze tonight. I originally chose "Broken Butterflies", but then realized I wouldn't want any of my dear readers to die from song lyrics:

"But the blood that flows I cannot hide
That blood that covers me
Nourishes the butterflies
And they are healed and are set free

I wish you had what Ruth possessed
But then I don't expect that of you
Grace and honor and faithfulness
And the love that you refuse..."
Damn Lucinda. Kill me now.

So instead I choose this:

Reason to Cry - Lucinda Williams

Just to sit and talk,
The way we used to do.
It just breaks my heart,
That I can't get close to you.
If our eyes shall meet,
Somewhere down the road,
Will you stop and be sweet,
Or will you just walk on?

Ha...bet you thought this one wasn't going to be depressing...you thought wrong. This was the song that got me through most of April 2005. Its beautiful though, the melody of it. The chord structure. The LYRICS. I wonder who broke lucinda's heart?


I thought things would stay the same.
I thought things were right on.
Then our sunny days,
How did we go wrong?
Now these days have found us,
Right here where we stand.
We thought we were so tough,
But nothing worked out like we planned.

Nothing ever does work out quite like we plan does it? I think its the expectations we put on ourselves and other people

Of everything in this world,
I guess I'll never know why,
Something as good as this could,
Flower up and die.
When you lose your happiness,
When no one's standing by,
When nothing makes any sense,
You got a reason to cry.
When nothing makes any sense.
You got a reason to cry.

Enough said.

Goodnight
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Everytime I Hear Your Name [Jul. 22nd, 2006|01:04 pm]
Random rambles of me
I was away on a business trip for a few days, but now I'm back. I am typing this from the laptop that we were given. It makes me want to buy a mac. Just a little bit. Anywho...Since I've been back I've watched about 10 episodes of sex and the city. That show is just great, and its a damn shame its not on TV anymore...

Carrie, the main character, always goes back and forth to this one guy - Mr. Big. I think every gal has a Mr. Big. That one guy that keeps walking in and out of her life, coming and going as he pleases. Sure not everyone's Mr. Big is a high power, wealthy, wine connoisseur, but we can all dream! Seriously though, if you don't have one of these let me know...I'll tell you you are lying.

When it comes to your Mr. Big, when does the phrase, enough is enough, go into affect? When do you finally stop screwing with your emotions, and let it go.

Carrie always played this game with herself, shutting down her heart...but that's TV. Can real people do that? Can real people recognize when they've had enough. How long is it worth fighting for? When is it time to throw in the towel? I don't know...I'm not good at this crap. Actually I'm horrible at it. I am the type of person that strives for the 'happy ever after' type b.s. I'm a sensitive gal, I hurt easily. Its not anyone's fault but my own, It's what happens. Things are said, I take them one way, maybe they are meant another. Either way it hurts. I am who I am. I've always had this take it or leave it approach about me. I am who I am.

I spend a lot of time wondering how I can change me. This is the ironic part, for as much as I am the take me as I am type, I am constantly striving to change who I am to please whomever. Be it my parents(rarely), my friends, my friends from Dunkirk, a boyfriend, an enemy, whatever who ever, it doesn't matter.

I suppose this mood is being brought on because I am going to see the goo's tonight and of course, it is raining like a motherfucker. Apparently its not going to stop either...Which is the bummer part.

At least Jenn will be here.

*sigh*
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The Voice Inside My Head [Jul. 17th, 2006|01:03 pm]
Random rambles of me
Voice Inside My Head is my favorite song off the Dixie Chicks CD. I probably listen to it about 20 times a day...Especially when I was feeling the effects of the funk I was previously in. I saved the lyrics in this blog deal about a month ago...and have been neglected my dear chicks for a while now...Its about time I do some lyric analysis on them!

Oh P.S. If anyone actually reads this, I like comments. Even if its a You suck comment. :)

I was only a kid
When I said goodbye to you
Ten summers ago
But it feels like yesterday

Time is funny... No matter how much time has truly passed, its really never enough. Wounds heal but scars are permanent.

Lost, scared and alone
Nothing I could give to you
I tried, I really did
But I couldn't find another way

We are always trying to make up for lost time. Especially when we're alone. When we realize the mistakes we've made, when we realize that there isn't anything else to give to a person. You give them your heart, your soul, your mind, your body, your entire self - including all the little annoying idiosyncrasies of yourself - and when you give all that, you're left with nothing. A person can drain you, especially when its you doing all the giving, and not receiving.

And I want and I need
Somehow to believe
In the choice I made
Am I better off this way

Ahhh the self doubt. Who hasn't felt this? People constantly doubt themselves. If they didn't, I don't think they would be human. Who hasn't said what if? What if I didn't say those things, what if I didn't go here or there, what if I didn't do blah blah blah. Am I better off this way?

I can hear the voice inside my head
Saying you should be with me instead
Every time I'm feeling down, I wonder
What would it be like with you around

Its a carry over. What would be it be like? What would you do? What would I do? What if I hadn't done this or that....Its all part of the what if. Its wild how so much of your present is based on the past events. Those constant reminders of things and/or places...And PEOPLE. People really can mess up a day. You're walking down the street and you run into your ex from 4 years ago...Emotions get brought up...You start thinking things. Your head is messy.

So I, I made my way
Cold and roaming in the wild
I'm forever changed
By someone I never knew

Now everytime I hear these lines, I think about that lost feeling. Like losing the battle type feeling. The giving up. The defeat. Did I really know this person I was with for x number of days/months/years/decades? Maybe not...Did they effect me so much though that I am a totally different person today than I was back then? Probably yes. People have radical effects on other people. Like what would Lady be without the Tramp? Harry without Sally? Tom without Jerry? Weird.

Now I've, I've got a place
I've got a husband and a child
But I'll never forget
What I've given up in you

Ehhh...Not applicable. But I will give my two cents...Since this is my blog. No matter how old, how married, how rich how poor, how many kids, whatever, the past will still be influencing on us. The past is always in our head, weither it be how you were raised as a kid, and then how you raise your kids, how you saw your parents marriage and then how your marriage is, whatever...

dude this is deep.

And I want, I need
Somehow to believe
In the choice I made
Am I better off this way

I can hear the voice inside my head
Saying you should be with me instead
Every time I'm feeling down, I wonder
What would it be like with you around

And I want, I need
Somehow to believe
In the choice I made
Am I better off this way

We all want to believe that the choices we finally do make in life are the right ones. I think so far the choices I've made have been excellent. This morning I also made a new choice about what I really want to do with my life, and I'm gonna let the cat out of the bag and tell you it probably doesn't concern music therapy. I love my job right now, but I give it 5 years tops. Then the burnout will settle in, and I'll really start to go mental...I want to be a teacher. I was talking to someone yesterday about when I taught middle school and I remember being so happy doing that. I think we all have to listen sometimes to the voice inside our head...There will always be doubt, but sometimes you just have to listen.
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He touched my mouse [Jul. 12th, 2006|01:02 pm]
Random rambles of me
So my mouse broke on the office computer...and the IT department has to come "fix it", or better yet, come into my office and replace it...and today, after 3+ months of working here, they sent me a cute nerd, approximately my age, wearing glasses. I almost died...and then I smiled a lot and he probably thought there was something wrong with me. Man I am a sucker for IT boys ;)

Cute dorks = :)

Today will be spectacular...if anything because I have faith that VH actually employes people under the age of 40.


more later...if I have time. I am terribly important of course.
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Medication in the form of a Vacation [Jul. 11th, 2006|01:01 pm]
Random rambles of me
When you are picking yourself up out of the gutter (so to say...), feelings are weird. There is a part of you that is guarded. You don't want to get hurt, or feel pain, sadness, etc...Again. There is a part of you that is ridiculously excited, to feel good again...Almost like reinstating your worth to the world. A part of you is still sad...That keeps you down a bit so you don't go flying off the handle. A part of you doesn't know what to feel...Mixed emotions. The roller coaster. You're up, You're down, Turn it all around....You do the hokey pokey...Oh wait a minute...

You all know what I mean though. And I'm not just talking about girls either. Girls go through this crap a lot sure, but you males out there know too.

I am the type of person that wakes up and says, today is a (insert type of music or artist) type of day. Today is a Julie Roberts type of day, along with other mellow, heartbreak songs. I don't feel heartbroken quite anymore...But still not quite there.

What I need is medication
In the form of a vacation
What I need is skies of blue


Man what good lyrics! When I first got this album, and listened to it all the way through, this song stuck out just from those first lyrics.


What I need is a perspective
One that's healthy but objective
What I need is a point of view
What I want is you

This is funny. An Objective perspective. Not gonna happen...Not even close. I think people say things to people with the best of intentions. Then you process what they are saying, and feel like you have been hit by a MAC truck or what not. People don't think before they speak, they don't think of the present, but mainly just the past. So then you are the one feeling bad, and then even worse when and if they turn out to be right.

Everyone says, move on
That is what you would want
Good advice, they are right
That's what I need to do
But what I want, all I want is you


What I need is bread and water
And a father for our daughter

Not applicable:) haha

What I need is someone new
What I want is you

The ever conflicted self. This is almost funny to me.

Everyone says, move on
That is what you would want
Good advice, they are right
That's what I need to do
But what I want, all I want is you

What I need is loss of memory
To forget when you were with me
What I need is to admit we're through
What I want, what I need
Oh, what I want is you


What a good break up song this is. Everyone wishes for a minute that the could erase thier memory. Like Eternal Sunshine...but then everyone too would spend lots of time trying to get those memories back. Not everything in a realtionship is shit. It just seems that way when you're in the gutter...and when you're down there, who wants to think of that happy thoughts? The good times? No one. Then one day you wake up and you do, and it still hurts, but just not as much.

What I want is you
All I want
Is you

To quote Grey's Anatomy:

"Lying is bad. Or so we are told constantly from birth—honesty is the best policy, the truth shall set you free, I chopped down the cherry tree, whatever. The fact is, lying is a necessity...

We lie to ourselves because the truth, the truth freaking hurts. "

Yes it does Meredith...yes it does.
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I wish I could go back to college [Jul. 10th, 2006|01:00 pm]
Random rambles of me
So It's Monday. I just got a call from the COO's office saying they would like me to come in and give a quarterly report TOMORROW morning on the program...HOLY SHIT. I am hyperventilating right now and I feel like I'm having a panic attack!!!!! I don't really know why, but I am. I am crying actually...seriously. I'm probably gonna get canned. Then again...probably not. shit shit shit I hate meetings with important people there. For a girl that sings for a living I seriously have the worst stage fright. Oh and do you think the boss lady is around...no of course not. I may die today people. If it was my last day on earth what would you say to me. Oh GOD....

Ok I feel better. Thanks for listening...I still have this knot in my stomach...I need my mommy.
I had a song picked out for today, but then Tricia gave me the Avenue Q soundtrack. Its a sassy little musical...that won lots of tony awards. But anywho...she picked a song that totally fit my life (not this one), that was going to be tomorrow's post, but after todays fantastic events, this song is PERFECT! Avenue Q is a bunch of puppet monsters (kinda like seaseme street), and they all live on Avenue Q...and talk about life. Its pretty funny, including songs called Everybody's a Little Bit Racist and The Internet was made for Porn. Funny Stuff...anywho...
I would give anything to go back to college today...and live in Kearney with its skank smell and silly residents and all my friends.

I Wish I Could Go Back To College

KATE MONSTER:
I wish I could go back to college. Life was so simple back then.

NICKY:
What would I give to go back and live in a dorm with a meal plan again!
Oh God! Sitting in the Dining hall for 12 hours a day? Good thing we studied for finals....

PRINCETON:
I wish I could go back to college.
In college you know who you are.
You sit in the quad, and think, "Oh my God!
I am totally gonna go far!"
The quad and I fought a lot. I kissed a boy there and it basically ruined the quad for me, but springfest was fun there...when it was held there.

ALL:
How do I go back to college?
I don't know who I am anymore!
Seriously.

PRINCETON:
I wanna go back to my room and find a message in dry-erase pen on the door!
Ohhh...I wish I could just drop a class...
The only class I ever dropped were voice lessons, cuz I couldn't make time for them. The sad part is that I loved my teacher.
Dry Erase messages were the best. THE B.E.S.T.

NICKY:
Or get into a play...
Rules of college: Never date a theater major. ever. AGH.

KATE MONSTER:
Or change my major...
(I tried to change my major 12 times, and transfer twice, but I never could send in the paperwork or sign my name....)

PRINCETON:
Or fuck my T.A.
(this never happened...I swear)

ALL:
I need an academic advisor to point the way! Not mine tho...he was special.
We could be...Sitting in the computer lab,
4 A.M. before the final paper is due,
Cursing the world 'cause
I didn't start sooner,
And seeing the rest of the class there, too!
Dude, I loved computer lab nights the week before the semester ended...stack of CD's and all my friends...basically procrastinating some more.

PRINCETON:
I wish I could go back to college!

ALL:
How do I go back to college?!
AHHHH...

PRINCETON:
I wish I had taken more pictures.
I do wish I had taken more pictures...and hung them up all over this office!!!!

NICKY:
But if I were to go back to college,
Think what a loser I'd be-
I'd walk through the quad,
And think "Oh my God..."

ALL:
"These kids are so much younger than me."


How true. Happy Monday :(
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